Happy Blanket Fort and Tacos Day

Mother’s Day is coming.

 

So many advertisements are going on right now for this holiday. It is a kick in the gut every time I hear one, or every time someone mentions the day. It might be the thing to officially break me this year. And I am unsure if I will ever love this holiday.

 

You see, I should have an almost 2 month old by the time Mother’s Day 2017 rolls around. My first pregnancy would have led to me having a small infant in my arms just in time for a day to celebrate my birth giving skills. Then they died and I silently prayed to be pregnant and thriving before that due date.

 

To my joy, I was! We had an ultrasound on the actual due date of the first baby, and the second baby was healthy. The heartbeat was strong. Husband and I were over the moon. We made it. This baby is thriving. The chances of miscarriage were slim. We began to hope. I began to plot how I wanted to spend Mother’s Day. Then the worst happened. Another loss, this one at 13 weeks on the dot. We were literally able to see our baby’s last moments on the ultrasound.

So now I’m childless this Mother’s Day. I will likely wish no one a Happy Mother’s Day because I will be pretending the day does not exist. I will crawl into a hole and hide from the world as I cradle my cats and tell them that they are the only babies I need. My babies are dead… so what is there to celebrate on this day?

 

After writing all that, I spoke with my husband about the day. I did not want to go celebrate that day with anyone. I just wanted a blanket fort, movies, and tacos. My husband agreed to it 100%. Though I am still questioning if he truly understands that the blanket fort IS happening.

 

This is all to say, if you know someone who has lost a pregnancy or child, please understand that this holiday is a very rough one for some people. Some people want to be acknowledged on that day, some people don’t. I want to be, but at the same time, I want to be away from the world in my blanket fort. So try to be gentle and kind this mother’s day. It’s gonna be a shitty day for someone.

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