That’s about how it feels when you see a pregnancy announcement for a baby due the same day your dead baby was due. Interestingly enough, this has happened each miscarriage. And holy fuck I did not expect such an intense reaction either time.
That’s one extra horrible thing about miscarriage, the bitterness and jealousy are real and hard to swallow. After the first, I worked very hard to not be either of those. I aimed to remain positive because it was very likely our next pregnancy would work out. Then I turned into the 2% of pregnant women who lose two consecutive pregnancies.
This time, I am bitter and angry and jealous, and I could care less. This time I refuse to attempt to keep a positive attitude about how easy it is for some to get and maintain a pregnancy when I can’t. You wouldn’t ask someone who lost a parent or sibling to just be happy for those who still have their parents or siblings. So I should not expect that much from myself either right now.
Do not get me wrong, I do not expect you to be unhappy with me if you are one of the many pregnant women filling my Facebook with pregnancy announcements and gender reveals. I just ask that you don’t expect me to put aside my pain and anger at my losses. Do not expect me to congratulate you with a smile. Rather know that if I type any words of kindness or congrats, it is while I cry and rage behind the screen.
You see I didn’t just lose two pregnancies. I lost every hope and dream I had for those two babies. I lost watching my belly grow. I lost feeling the kicks and movement. I lost giving birth to live children that I could hold. I lost first words, first steps, first smiles. I have lost camping trips and family memories. I have lost watching these two children grow up in the home my husband and I have made for them. I will never know these two children like I wanted… no… needed to know them. I will never hold them, kiss them, or hear them utter a damn word.
I went through morning sickness, exhaustion, constipation, and the sorest boobs ever for nothing. I am left with nothing after all of that.
Wait… not nothing… I am left with anger, jealousy, bitterness. I am left empty. I am left with searing, blood curdling pain. I am left with my heart fragmented and missing too many pieces. I am left with a feeling that I have been punched in the gut every time I see a pregnancy announcement.