Sometimes you really need to hear that God/the universe/Nicolas Cage is not punishing you.
Because during those times it really feels like it.
After a miscarriage you wonder what you did wrong, either during the pregnancy or before it. You go through the million times things you might have done to shoot yourself in the foot whether it is drinking that cup of coffee or kissing that boy all those years ago. Maybe if you hadn’t done that one sinful thing at that one point, Nicolas Cage would not be killing your hopes and dreams along with your babies. Maybe if you had quit running as soon as you found out you were pregnant, then you would not be here now reading (or writing) about miscarriage.
The problem is, a lot of it isn’t your fault (at least not that small glass of wine at dinner). After my first miscarriage, I cut things out during my second pregnancy. I did only low impact exercises. I quit all caffeine, and only ate recommended food. I did everything as close as I could to the perfect pregnant lady book, and guess what!?! It didn’t mean shit. I still lost that second pregnancy.
Which then leads me to wondering, was it my past misdeeds and decisions that are the cause? Are the sins of the mother killing my babies? Did I somehow get this witchy curse by being shitty to the wrong person? More than likely not, but it doesn’t stop me from wondering.
And it doesn’t help my feelings of helplessness while we wait for testing and game plans. At least if I knew it was my fault, I could make a game plan to fix it. I can ask for forgiveness, block this curse, or make a plan to get past some shitty genetics. We ask why so that we can know how to fix it. How can I remove the curse if I don’t know it’s there?
All this is to say, you didn’t do anything to deserve this. This is not your fault. Life is just unfair. You can ask Nicolas Cage to forgive you of your past transgressions, but it won’t magically fix the problem. So learn to be patient, or take up French to fill your time. You’ll figure shit out eventually.