I have been meaning to write this post for a while. However this is a shitty and not pleasant topic (like any of this is). There is a scene in the Avengers movie that resonates with me now more than ever.
Captain America: Dr. Banner, now might be a really good time to get angry.
Bruce Banner: That’s my secret, Cap… I’m always angry.
It seems the beloved Bruce Banner and I have a similar secret. I am always angry. Even when I am enjoying a cookout with friends, driving down the road with the husbeast, or even perusing the interwebs. I can’t shake this anger that is just building under the surface of my skin.
I am angry that despite being pregnant twice now, I have no child to hold. I am angry that others have it so easy when they decide to grow their family or even when they don’t. I am livid that people who should not be having children do, and then their children grow up in shitty homes. It pisses me off that my husband and I have a stable life, stable marriage, and would be fantastic parents, but instead we have just been given more and more heartache.
I am angry every time I see a pregnant woman… In fact, there is only one pregnant lady in my life who does not make me angry. She is the only one because she is so kind about it with me. Every other pregnant lady needs to stay further than arms length away because I want to punch you in the face. Especially if you are stupid enough to complain about your pregnancy or your children.
Let me make myself clear, I will not hit any pregnant women. I will not bring ACTUAL harm to them, nor will I actually wish it on them. I will however walk away because that anger is real and burning. I will avoid facebook because it is physically and emotionally painful to see some posts. It is a searing pain in my chest that rips at my insides but refuses to heal or kill me. I just have to bear it…. And it is fucking hard to do.
I am so angry. I might not show it every moment of every day, but do not doubt that it is there. It lurks inside me, eyes gleaming green, talons of fire clawing at my chest, waiting for me to let my defenses down for a moment. So despite how angry I am, I hold this monster at bay. I am angry, and I am holding it in for fear of what will happen if it ever gets out.